What Keeps Me Going
by missbliss
Summary: BuffyAngelus--what if things happened a little differently in season 2?
1. Default Chapter

*Here's my latest WIP, let me know what you think, also, I am going to try to get some word done on my other stories-I know, it's been, like, forever since I've updated or written anything new. Anyways, I hope u enjoy, and please, criticism is welcome, too! Oh, btw, I've changed my pen-name (It used to be redefined);)*  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, but the storyline is all mine, baby!  
  
Rating: PG-13ish for now..  
  
Pairings: B/A(us), as for the others.I think it will follow the pairing from the show at the time, W/O, X/C, G/J.  
  
Summary: Takes place shortly after "Passion". Angelus has not killed Jenny yet, and is still tormenting Buffy. What if things went a little differently than they did on the show?!  
  
Part I  
  
It had been a long week. Buffy collapsed on her bed as soon as she got to her bedroom. She felt exhausted. This was possibly the longest, most terrible week of her entire life, and it seemed as if things just kept getting worse. She felt as if her whole world had been picked up and dropped, and she was still falling.. upside down, inside out, twisted around inside and out. Just one week ago things were perfect-or as perfect as life could get being the slayer. She felt like maybe things were gonna be good after all-she had her friends and family supporting her, the slaying wasn't too bad (Giles had said she was still getting stronger), and she had the one thing that seemed to make everything right-her Angel. He had finally confessed to her his feelings, told her that he loved her. For her birthday he had given her a beautiful silver claddagh ring, telling her that he was hers and she was his. That night had been.amazing.  
  
She felt hot tears welling up and was unable to stop them from rolling down her cheeks as she thought again of that night. The night when her whole world seemed to turn an ugly shade of black. She and Angel had made love. It was gentle, sweet, passionate, and wonderful. Buffy had fallen asleep contented and peaceful in the arms of her Angel, but when she woke up, he was gone. Immediately she could sense that something was wrong. The combination of her slayer-senses and her running emotions was overwhelming. So many things were running through her head-Where is he/is he alright/is he hurt/why did he leave/was I not good enough/was he just trying to get me in bed/does he hate me now.. And then, just when she was about to break down, he came back. But he was different. He was cruel, cold, and uncaring. He sneered with amusement as she stood in front of him, weak, scared, vulnerable, and her heart shattering into thousands of tiny fragments.  
  
Hell, she even felt like it was her fault-if not for her then he would still have a soul, right? But he must not have known this would happen, did he? Was he just using her? No. She believed him when he told her that he loved her, because she could see it in his eyes, in his soul.  
  
She had created a monster.  
  
It was her fault that Angelus, the Scourge of Europe had been released upon the world.  
  
She cried herself to sleep, just as she had been doing every night for the past week. No matter what she did, she still couldn't stop thinking about him. Her sweet Angel. Now he only existed for her in her dreams, for she had released the terrible demon that wore her Angel's face. So she dreamt that his arms were around her as she cried, and that he was there to tell her everything was okay, and that he loved her. She let herself fall within the clutches of sleep, and as she drifted into unconsciousness she felt as if her Angel was really there. 


	2. Despair

Part III  
  
Buffy walked into the library of Sunnydale High School.  
  
"Oh, Buffy.good to see you," said Rupert Giles. "How was patrol last night?"  
  
Giles was definitely a man dedicated to his job. It not only fascinated him but the relationship that he was developing with his slayer was filling a void in his life. Perhaps it was because he never had any children or a family of his own. Indeed he looked at Buffy sometimes as if she were truly his own daughter-he worried when she was out at night, and wished somehow that there was a way he could protect her from anything bad. He had even been starting to like that Angel was there-Angel was strong enough and skilled enough to fight as an equal and truly protect Buffy, and after Giles got to know him he could tell that Angel felt just as fiercely about Buffy as he himself did. With Angel gone evil now Giles spent many a night sleepless, just worrying for the welfare of his slayer.  
  
"Patrol was fine. You know, the usual, staked a few vamps, no big deal." Buffy was trying to sound nonchalant, hoping that Giles wouldn't notice the dark circles under her eyes and her slightly disheveled appearance. She had to be strong-she was the slayer. She couldn't let it appear that she was really an emotional wreck. That would have to remain on the inside.  
  
"Well, uh, that's good." Giles hesitated trying to decide whether or not to broach the precarious subject of Angelus. "Did you.uh.have any run-ins with Angelus?"  
  
"No." Buffy answered quickly, the look on her face making it clear that she didn't want to talk anymore. "I gotta go to class."  
  
"Yes, of course. I'll see you for training later?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
And with that Buffy turned and practically fled the library, not wanting to be cornered any more about the subject of her now evil former boyfriend.  
  
*******  
  
Training went as usual-Buffy did her workout, then kicked and punched at Giles until he couldn't take any more, and then she left to go home before patrolling. A typical day in the life of Buffy Summers. School. Train. Patrol. Then home to her room where Buffy the cold, collected slayer became Buffy the broken, hurt, and vulnerable girl.  
  
Tonight didn't seem like it would be different that those of the past week. Inevitably she would try to forget about everything that had been happening, but her thoughts would become consumed with images and memories of her beloved Angel, and of the horrible thing that he had become. She was beginning to go from feeling overwhelmed with emotions to just feeling numb, and she wasn't sure if she liked this better or not. In just one week her whole world had turned upside down, all because of one perfect night, and there was nothing she could do to make it better.  
  
Without even realizing it the tears automatically trickled down her face as she sat in her dark room. She wondered if it would be better if she could just end it all-at least that way she wouldn't have to feel the agonizing guilt, despair, and hopeless desolation that she was feeling now. It would be so easy for he to just go on patrol one night and not return, to just give up and let them have her-her body, her blood, her life. It really would solve her problems, for she would have nothing left to worry about if she were dead.  
  
Could she really do it? Could she be so selfish?  
  
Her friends would deal. They were good at that. Things hadn't been the same between them since Angel was Angelus again anyway. Xander would barely look her in the eye, and Willow was acting like Buffy was going to break if she said or did the wrong thing around her. Even Giles seemed different, like he was afraid of being around her. They all probably thought it was her fault, and blamed her for releasing the Scourge of Europe on Sunnydale.  
  
Her mother had barely talked to her since she had a run in with Angelus the other day. She too seemed to be disgusted with Buffy, and she definitely didn't have any trust for her anymore.  
  
No, nobody would really miss her.  
  
They might even be glad if she wasn't here anymore. That way she couldn't bring any more pain and suffering to their already difficult lives.  
  
She began to contemplate how she would do it. She could just slit her wrists and let herself bleed till there was nothing left, but that would leave a mess the others to deal with. The best option seemed to be for her to just go on patrol and not return, that way no one would probably have to deal with her body.  
  
Yes. It was settled. She would do it.  
  
****  
  
A/n: Hi. Sorry it's been so long-I just haven't had much time to sit and write, and I was experiencing a bit of writer's block. I think I now know where I want to go with this, though, so there should be more updates soon! I know this fic is sounding majorly depressing, but it will get better. I didn't even intend to write it like this, but it's just sort of where I ended up! Thanks for reading, and please-FeedBack!  
  
Thanks Claddagh Ring for the title-your e-mail encouraged me to get my head in gear and actually write! 


	3. Waiting

A/n: Here's a quick chapter-sorry this is so short. I'll try to add more soon. Please review!!  
  
Part IV  
  
Not able to wait until the next night, Buffy climbed out of bed. She took in her appearance-she was wearing a slinky tank top and her underwear-and decided to throw on a pair of sweats. She figured in case she had to wait a while she didn't want to be cold.  
  
Not caring how messy her hair was, or the fact that their were black tear tracks down the sides of her face from her mascara, she automatically went to grab a stake before heading out her window, part of her usual routine. As the wood made contact with her hand she realized what she was doing and dropped the weapon on the floor. Why bother to bring a stake? She wasn't going to slay vampires this time.  
  
As she perched on the windowsill she took one more glance back into her bedroom. She thought of her mother. Should she leave a note?  
  
Feelings of guilt made there way to the surface, but she shook her head and decided against it. Leaving a note might just make things harder.  
  
She proceeded to slide down the edge of the window to the porch roof, and grabbing a protruding limb from the tree in front of her window she swung down to the ground, landing perfectly poised on her feet. She then took one last glance at her house, and turned in the general direction of Sunnydale's many cemeteries.  
  
Her feet seemed to take her as she headed down the street and before she knew it she was standing in front of the gates of Restfield, one of the cemeteries where she spent many nights patrolling and fighting the forces of evil. She took a deep breath and agilely climbed up the wall landing inside the cemetery. She made her way to one of her favorite spots in the entire cemetery-one of her favorite places in all of Sunnydale, and the fact that it was in a graveyard did not escape her. It was at the foot of a great sprawling tree. She had spent a lot of time sitting under this particular tree, taking advantage of it protection, it's strength. Whether she was bored and waiting for action during patrol, in need of a quiet place to just sit and think, or hiding from her life, under this tree was the place she seemed to always come to. She and Angel had spent many moments here, too, just enjoying each other's company. Angel. The tree kind of reminded her of Angel-the way it was so strong, so protective, so solid and unwavering. God, she wished that he were here. She wanted so desperately just to run to him and be held protectively in his arms, to let him kiss and caress all of her problems away, to be guarded from the cruel, harsh reality that was her world.  
  
Sighing she slid to the ground underneath the tree. She would sit here and wait, knowing that she probably wouldn't have to wait long for some vampire to sense her and decide that she would make a nice meal, after all, this was the Hellmouth; there certainly wasn't a shortage in the local demon population. 


End file.
